Future Press: Bush Leagues....by Bob Sanders

Future Press     George W. Bush

During these concerted attempts to provide the reader with perspective, it has become increasingly apparent to this writer that there are among us those who achieve such prominence that our curiosity about them lingers--sometimes becoming intense thus demanding conjecture about their futures.  While Future Press is  blessed neither with the insight of Nostradamus nor Johnny Carson’s Karnak, it does offer an opportunity to see into an admittedly murky future by way of gut instinct and a little imagination.                                                                                                                                                                 Bob Sanders                           

The Associated Press                                     

By Doug Duffus          

HOUSTON - March 25, 2012 - George W. Bush’s latest controversial decision as Commissioner of Baseball has met with resounding disapproval.  Having moved the Baseball Hall of Fame earlier this year from upstate New York to a site adjoining his Dallas one book library, the former U.S. President acquired a setback when his proposed major rule change for the sport was met with marked disapproval after yesterday’s trial run during the Dallas Haliburtons-Chicago Cubs exhibition game.

Called Runner’s Option, the Bush rule, if accepted by Chief of Umpires Lewis ”Scooter” Libby, baseball owners, the players association and the U.S. Supreme Court, would enable a runner, who reaches third, the option of scoring by means of current opportunities thus registering one run or retreating to second base and beyond.  Should subsequent hitters advance such a runner to home plate from second or first, score keepers then would post two runs.  A special Loopholes Committee, headed by former Presidential aide Karl Rove, is investigating yesterday’s unfortunate collision of two base runners, going in opposite directions near second base.   Haliburtons’ trainer “Tape” Mercurochrome pronounced the injuries as “moderate.”  The Loopholes Committee also is expected to deal with the challenging question of what to do about runners arriving concurrently at the same base.

Veteran baseball observers had mixed emotions about yesterday’s test.  Purists of the grand old game pointed to a need for record book asterisks so that marks such as Hack Wilson’s 191 runs- batted-in during the 1930 season would not be minimized.  Former major league pitcher Roger Clemens, possessor of two asterisks and serving five years for lying to Congress, could not be reached for comment.      

The matter of baseball’s asterisk profusion has developed into what many consider the sport’s albatross.  Should the Runner’s Option be incorporated into baseball rules, three asterisks will be required to provide further understanding of hitting statistics including both a steroid user’s runs-batted-in and the run-scoring player--regardless of the latter being pure or tainted. 

The sport’s succession of asterisks began two years ago with half asterisks assessed those suspected in the Jose Conseco Shadow Era.  Conseco, a long ball hitter who played with the Oakland A’s and the Texas Rangers, wrote a book (Juiced) in which he confessed the use of performance enhancing drugs while accusing many others of steroid culpability.  Full asterisks were later affixed to those deemed guilty while performing during the Barry Bonds Era of Designer Steroids.  Two asterisks were assessed the names of the guilty in the Alex Rodriguez Heads in the Sand Period that immediately preceded the current Full Bore Unscheduled Testing and Water Boarding Era.  Sports fans will recall claims by some proven cheaters of the Heads in the Sand Period who suggested that their biggest juice boosts came from 10 cups of coffee and not steroids.  A lawsuit by Starbucks is pending.

Baseball’s tepid public admission of the steroid problem came 13 years after responsibilities were assumed by the National Football League.  Commissioner Bush has presided over the current (three asterisks) Unscheduled Testing Era as agreed upon by former commissioner Bud Selig, the player’s union and AIG.  The highly appealing home run, all but invented by Babe Ruth and now missing, has long been baseball’s weapon of mass destruction--now in a slugging meltdown because of steroid testing revelations.  So it was that Bush set about recently not to find the diminished weapon but to resurrect its majesty. 

Commissioner Bush, appointed by Selig and a blue ribbon panel of baseball owners plus George Steinbrenner, is investigating the possibility of increasing major league home run production by reducing stadium power alley fences to 275 feet, some 100 less than major league averages.  Baseball attendance during the past three years has shrunk 58 per cent--largely because of the economy, the steroid scandals and the resultant sharply reduced number of home runs.  Of added significance and reflecting unusual times and a changing sport, the hot dog has been replaced by the burrito as America’s favorite fan food.

Commissioner Bush’s first controversial act shortly after taking office in 2010 was to declare “mission accomplished” from the Haliburton Stadium pitching mound on opening day.  It was on that historic occasion that he declared Rummy Day to be held on July 4^th in all major league ballparks to honor Donald Rumsfeld for his unusual service as Defense Secretary during the Second Iraq War.  Despite gigantic prizes, including Enzo Ferraris at each ballpark and a media blitz featuring an appearance by Bush (he stumbled while doing the cha cha with U.S. Secretary of Shopping Sarah Palin  on “Dancing With the Stars”), Rummy Day attendance was an abject failure except in Tokyo where something was lost in translation among the promoters resulting in Japanese fans being treated to a Tummy Day celebration complete with free food and all the sake they could consume.

Bush’s roller coaster ride as Baseball Commissioner took on added dimensions shortly after the Rummy debacle.  Declaring himself “the decider,” the former President has been in favor of establishing a franchise in Paris, Texas.  Interviewed by ESPN’s Chris Berman, Bush admitted that he was confused by facts attendant to his desire to establish a franchise in a small Texas town. Veteran baseball minds appear to be prevailing.  They want the franchise in the Paris of France where, according to Bush, “they speak funny.  Heh, Heh.  I say let them eat Pringles.” 

 “The French are kinda lousy ballplayers,” continued the Commissioner, “and the French people want to look at local players, not some kumbaya kids from Haiti or wherever.  Heck, the French are so out of it, they still don’t have a name for entrepreneur.”

Another of Bush’s controversial decisions involved the Texas Rangers, a team whose ownership once was 1.8% his, thanks to $600,000 loaned him by friends of his father.  That was after the junior Bush failed in the oil business.  In a strange turn of fate, the Baseball Commissioner engineered a complicated deal in which Nori al-Maliki, former Prime Minister of Iraq in search of a job following the U.S. troop withdrawal from Iraq and the country’s subsequent return to a feudal society, was made general manager of Bush’s old team.  It has been a difficult time for al-Maliki whose communications shortcomings include an inability to converse in baseballese.

While al Maliki has faced serious problems as GM of the Rangers, his difficulties pale by comparison to those of his predecessor, former director of the Federal Emergency Management Administration Michael Brown.  The baseball Brown was the central figure in a spectacular flash flood whose details were called “irrefutable irony” by syndicated columnist George Will.  The flash flood at Blackwater Park occurred while the Rangers were in the field during the seventh inning of a game played late last year.   Brown, who directed FEMA during the 2005 Katrina storm, took more than two days to rescue his team by helicopter from a dugout roof.  It was during those two days that Bush told Brown: “Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job, again.”  Perhaps buoyed by the Commissioner’s words of praise, Brown pointed to only 15 fatalities resulting from the flood, a sharp contrast to the 1,200 Katrina deaths.  Pundits in general were quick to point to Brown’s relatively quick flash flood response as a major factor in keeping fatalities as low as they were.      

Questioned about this season’s opening game, Commissioner Bush said he is giving thought to not throwing out the first ball but, rather, throwing out the first shoes--baseball spikes--rumored to be a forthcoming further measure of Texas justice.  He vehemently denied the shoes will be thrown at the Iraqi photographer who was imprisoned after tossing a couple of shoes at Bush shortly before the end of his Presidency.

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Comments

[g.h. kirsch]

Thank you again for your sense of humor, and sense for the truth.

All kidding aside, sometimes only in jest can we uproot injustice.

The demise of the national pastime seems to be parellelling the demise of the nation.

And largely from the same unbridled desire to succeed personally at the expense of our most cherished institutions.

[Bob Sanders]

Thanks, g.h. kirsch. Your name makes we wonder if you are, by chance, related to e.e. cummings?
This former Chicagoan was inspired by da muse to write of baseball's demise and you wisely caught the parallel drifts of the game and the country. Isn't Bush just the goofiest guy to come down the pike in a long time?
Anyone reading this should be aware of kirsch's posting
the other day of toxicity, moron money, international thievery and what's in store for us. Terrific writing, g.h. e.e. would be impressed. Just Google Northwest Citizen and you have found him--g.h., that is.
Bob